There are a lot of things that I don’t do because I’m too scared, too anxious, too shy, too worrisome, too this or too that. Not the right fit. Not the right person. Not the right personality. Not the right ambition. I endlessly drive myself crazy thinking of what ifs – what if it goes wrong, what if it doesn’t work out, what if it’s the worst decision of my life, what if I instantly regret it or come to regret it later down the line, what if I wish I hadn’t done it, what if I’m so embarrassed I never want to talk about it again. What if?
I have goals in life that I could list down for you if you asked me, but in the back of my head I’m realistic in the sense that I don’t believe these things will actually happen. Things like that don’t happen to people like me.
I often wonder what my life would be like if someone else was in my body, or to put it in a simpler way, if I was in someone else’s body. If I was born as so and so person, would I have achieved the same things they did? I guess that’s the entire point of being an individual. We can look the same and be entirely dissimilar. A body is a body but only a shell. Our memories, experiences, achievements, hopes and dreams.. that’s what makes us. Breaking out of routine is hard, especially when it brings you comfort.
This mindset applies to basically any person, famous or not, who’s ever done something significant in their lives. If I was that person, if I had been born in their body…would I have still done those things too? And the answer that I hear myself say every time is that no, no I wouldn’t have.
If a different person was born in my body, what would have happened? If someone else was in my body right now, would I be a famous Youtube star? A published author? Would I have been a child actor? Would I have moved across the world to a different country already? If someone else was me, what would they have done with the things I have – how would they have utilised them? This is a thing I think about often, and it leads me to believe that I have encountered a lot of missed opportunities in life, and will continue to do so until I fix this problem that I have.
Self-doubt will forever be the bane of my existence. But I always remind myself that the thing I fear more is regret. And honestly, we only have this one life. Even if it doesn’t turn out well, so what? We try and fail. Or, and this is the thing that keeps me going, we try and succeed.
This feeling that I cannot do things, because I’m not good enough. Because I don’t qualify, because I’m too scared, too hesitant, too this and too that – never the right thing, is what I keep telling myself. I’m ambitious inside my head, I have things I want to achieve, places I want to go, people I want to be – will I ever achieve these things? No, probably not, because my life doesn’t go that way, because I don’t allow it to, but it keeps me going anyway. It’s that part of me that knows I’ll never let myself do these things, but I’ll allow myself to keep thinking of them and dreaming about them anyway because it’s still nice to imagine, it’s still nice to have that little escape from reality.
And then I sit and think to myself, Heni. Why aren’t you capable of doing these things? Why don’t you think you qualify? And the answer is, I don’t know. I couldn’t give you one. It’s just what I’ve told myself, it’s just what I think. Is it that part of me is trying to make up excuses for myself because I’m simply too scared to take the plunge and try? Maybe. I spend my whole life overthinking things and believing that everything in my entire life will go wrong should I step even an inch outside of my comfort zone. Do I want to live like that? No. But it’s comfortable and it stops my heart from feeling like it’s going to stop beating and fall out of my chest every 5 seconds and therefore I allow myself to coast along doing nothing anyway. The problem is, my dreams are not worth my anxiety, which is heartbreaking when you really think about it. The anxiety that these things cause me is not worth it, I’d rather dream about them instead rather than actually make them happen, because the journey would be so traumatising for me and my anxiety that I’d rather not embark on it. I’d rather still be able to function, thank you.
I’m thinking what if I do challenge myself, what if I do say that hey, maybe you do qualify, maybe you can try these things. It only has to be baby steps – nothing massive – but small progress is better than no progress, and maybe the girl I want to be could come to actually exist one day, if I just work towards becoming her one step at a time. If I think that these dreams and goals I have don’t happen to people like me, why don’t I become one of those people, one of those people that these things do happen to. What’s stopping me?
Always, always, myself.
You are your own worst enemy, I spend my whole life getting in my own way. I think that sums it up perfectly right there. I spend every hour and every waking day, getting in my own way. Blocking all of my pathways, locking every door that’s open for me. Telling myself that those things don’t happen to people like me, when in reality, I’m the one that’s stopping myself from becoming one of those people. I shut the door in my own face and say hey, looks like you don’t qualify.
What if I don’t do that anymore?
The answer? We’ll see.
Because it’s starting right now.
I’m going to challenge myself.
All my love,