Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t.

I’ve procrastinated writing this post for quite some time now. Its been probably the better part of a month give or take, contemplating this latest conundrum I’ve found myself in. After 30-something years on this earth, having a family of my own and all the responsibilities that come with being an adult at this stage in life, I find myself utterly lost and drowning in a sea of uncertainty, self doubt, self criticisms and comparisons.

What do I want to do with my life?

I used to think that I’ve had at least some general clarity as to where I wanted myself to be at this point in my career, personal life and an overall sense of being and purpose. But lately I can’t help be so wrapped up in past failures, bad decisions, hefty expectations of loved ones, dependents and most of all myself. I’m barely keeping it together to be honest, struggling to breathe in this space.

I’m generally very critical of myself and I come down on myself more than anyone else when it comes to failures in any aspect of my life. Where others see positives I see “maybe’s and negatives”. Where others see progress, I see stagnation. Why? I don’t know. An ugly trait has begun to surface within me where I compare myself to others. Of all the struggles I have, this one is the most self destructive aspect of this hole I’m in. I look at others and where they are in life and what they were able to accomplish whether it be in academics, careers, lifestyle, spirituality etc. then ask myself, “what really have you been doing all these years Heni?”

These comparisons aren’t envious in nature; to the contrary I actually root for those people. I’ll give them the pep talk, support their endeavors, have hope in them, push them and genuinely feel happy for them. But when it comes to myself, none of that enthusiasm and cheerleading is aimed inward. Its like a switch flips and I’m beating myself up for not doing more with my life.

Am I too young to be feeling this way in my early 30s? Don’t this type of mid-life crisis happen to folks in their mid 40s/50s? These thoughts swirl around in my head as I try to make some sense out of the madness. Its funny though. I know there are countless others out there who would love to be where I am at this stage. So why am I struggling with this nonsense? Why do I feel so unfulfilled and void. Guilt eats me up for feeling the way I do even with all that I have.

I feel as though I’ve been sailing through this life, totally undeserving of anything good. There are some days when I manage to not think about these things.

Maneuvering through this life is a real tricky thing. Maybe this is the age that this kind of thing happens as I’m going through something quite similar. Who really knows? I do hope I find some sort of resolution in the future and enjoy life as it goes along and for what it is.

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