Now, you know I’m a planner. I like lists and calendars and color coding by subject. So, once I recognized what I can and cannot change, I broke it down further. I ask loads of questions.
I know that. Y’all know that. My family and friends know that. But what’s different about this process is that I answered my own questions.
I asked and answered questions to come up with a plan. I used the same system of dividing the page in my journal so I could see it all together.
The first question is:
What frustrates me?
(no real growth, no movement, no real participation in life or household, etc.)
– lack of effort to create growth or movement
– caring about (these things)
– wondering if it will ever change
OK, now what do I do about it? How to stop being frustrated?
– accept that these are the choices
– accept that nothing I do will change the choices
– focus on myself and my choices
– accept that this is the situation I’m in…until…?
So far, so good. What’s next?
I know it’s hard to read. Ways to feel more comfortable.
– let go of wife and ‘mom’ guilt
– stop apologizing for choosing growth
– accept as much as possible
– pay attention to myself and where my power is
– be kind and courageous
– stop judging
– accept limitations (cannot change situation, only how I function in it)
Ways to regroup if I’m triggered (frustrated)
– immediately stop and breathe
– quickly assess if it’s something I can change (if not – do my best to accept and let it go, if so – make the appropriate change)
– accept that this is my work and I may not ever be met with the same
– remove myself gently from the situation
– tap into vast support network without engaging in ‘shit talk’
OK, so in the meantime I have a plan.
How to remain sane in the long game?
– accept this is my work
– accept change may never come
– be peaceful in the knowledge I did all I could do the best way I could
I don’t know how or even if the situation will change. I do know that if I can do these things I will feel better. Maybe that’s all I can do? While I know I have magic down deep in me, I only have power over myself. If these changes I’m making serve only to keep me from being frustrated, angry, and resentful in an unchanging situation, at least I’m content in the knowledge I am going at this in a mindful and loving way.