I write a lot about my feelings – on WordPress, Twitter, Instagram, other social outlets … I don’t really hold back, because I feel like I always have quite a lot to say and connecting with other people simply makes you feel … Lighter, easier. Now, here is this – I have to admit that I feel more comfortable sharing through writing than I do through a conversation in real life. Because of this, I feel like a hypocrite whenever I write something and end up posting it, but I know I haven’t talked about it in real life.
The consequence is that there are people out there, on the internet, who might know me better than some of my “real life friends” do. Reasons for this are endless – I don’t trust some people, I don’t feel close enough to some others, I am not in the rightmoodto talk about something … It all depends.
It’s hard to talk about something important to people that you only go out for drink with or to people that you haven’t seen in ages. Either there is nothing to talk about because of the distance between you or there is toomuchto talk about. In the latter, you simply cannot cover all the topics, so you start with the easier and less important ones, then usually run out of time for the things that actually matter.
Not all people are right for difficult discussions, either, as some simply do not want to share or they have nothing to share. With strangers, I feel it is easier. People who cannot relate to you or aren’t interested in you, won’t follow you on any of the social media and won’t try to make any contact. Now, people who can relate and do feel interested, will follow you and make contact. Because of this, there is simply a bond between us that makes sense, even if we don’t know each other in real life.
We want to listen to each other and we are connected, more so than we are to some people in our “real” life.
Then there’s the mood, as well, as I have mentioned … I write when I feel it is right to do so, but it takes me a lot of time, energy and even courage to write “important” things down. The process of writing is therefore quite long, so much that it cannot be “summoned” in a quick conversation.
I feel like writing gives me a chance to gather my thoughts, make me rethink some things, see them from a different perspective … Because of that, I understand my thoughts better and I can “defend” them. When I have a conversation, I sometimes feel lost in it, because I cannot defend something that I myself don’t understand completely.
There’s more to that … Writing is never-ending. You write and write and write and once you’ve done outpouring your emotions, you can either publish it or let it be forgotten. It’s different with a conversation – you can’t talk by never ending your speech. You simply have to consider other people’s feelings, their reactions. It matters how they feel about “how you feel”. It matters what they have to say – whether they agree or disagree … It is not never-ending.
That is why I often feel like I have more courage to write than I do to speak about something, as I write in order to be heard or understood, not to … Be discussed, replied to. Does that make sense?
So, all in all – I prefer writing than talking. That is just how I’m built and there’s nothing there that I could or even should try to change. Still … I feel like a hypocrite because I find it easier to write about things than I do to talk about them.
Sometimes, I publish something and feel terrified of people who know me reading it. I know that my writing is out there, it can be judged and it can be read by anyone on this Earth, which is quite OK, but … Thing is … Some of my “real life” friends haven’t known before about some of the things that I’ve written here, for this or that reason … And a question comes to their mind – Why is that so?
And, really. Why can I write about difficult topics, share about my struggles, be vulnerable … But I can’t always talk about them in real life? And is this even fair? In my writing, I’m preaching how important it is to be truthful and opened, I’m preaching how important it is to speak up about your mental health, your struggles, your life experiences … But in real life, I often find myself being isolated from many people and doing exactly the opposite from what I preach.
I find myself being terrified of known people reading my incredibly private thoughts, knowing me on such a personal level and myself being opened up to them. Why am I terrified, why is it so hard to talk about the things that I am already writing about?