Making Conscious Choices

Some days I am in a good place, some days I am not. Today is one of those days I am not.

I haven’t had a lot of good days lately, sigh, I am so tired. I don’t believe I am not a fun person, I try not to get attached easily and definitely not impulsive, so that’s why I keep asking myself how I got here. I have always been saving myself from experiencing the things I feel right now, I am so upset and it makes me angry that I am.

Image from here

So why do I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I find it hard to cry, tears won’t come, I am so tired. This is the part where I go numb and say fuck it. I probably don’t make sense to you right now, that’s the point. I can’t make sense of anything happening with me presently or maybe I know, I sometimes feel like going on a road trip and never come back, I just want to find a ‘happy place’ or is that too much to ask for, I am not strong, I am tired of being strong, I need to be held, I need someone to look me in the eyes and tell me everything will be okay with so much sincerity I wouldn’t have any choice but to believe.

Sometimes I’m tempted to revert back to my old ways and give up on everything. But, I realize that if I do that, I give up on myself and nobody in my immediate environment will push me back up.

Sometimes when you wish badly to walk away from a place or people, it’s not because you hate them (even if you think you do) but because you feel so overwhelmed, so exhausted and drained. And you don’t want to lose the ability to love them again.

They’re good people in their own way, but they don’t constitute the kind of growth environment I need to reach the kind of places I’m trying to go.

So it’s up to me to make a conscious choice everyday to keep going, no matter how tough and challenging some days are.

I believe life is about making conscious choices. We can make conscious efforts to feel better and push through. I make a promise to never quit. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror.

At times the harder we struggle and face hardship, we find it helps us to grow and expand, experience is a wonderful way to gain knowledge………………

Have a good week,

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