Some time ago, I had gone through something that nearly pushed me over the edge. It was something that I never expected, nor had any idea how to deal with. Someone very close to my heart made some bad decisions and threw her own life into a chaotic whirlpool, at the same time turning my life upside down.
This post is not about that person or the events that took place but rather the effect it had on me and my own life.
I had never in my life been so depressed. Not many people knew, just family and very close friends. I couldn’t talk about it without crying. I couldn’t go anywhere without crying. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus. I wasn’t able to sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was in a daze.I was barely living, just going through the motions. I felt dead inside. I felt lost. I felt shame and guilt, and I couldn’t pull myself out of this deep abyss I had been thrown into. I wasn’t suicidal, but I remember thinking it wouldn’t be a bad thing if I just fell over dead.
Now, don’t get me wrong. The events that took place had absolutely nothing to do with me, but when bad things happen to someone you love dearly, it will do things to you that you never thought possible.
I carried guilt and shame for a few years. I was depressed and saw no end in sight. I had never even considered seeing a therapist. I mean, that’s what family and friends are for right? You have a problem, you talk it out with someone you know and trust. Right?
I cannot tell you how much it helped me to talk to someone unbiased, someone who was not there to judge or tell me how to feel. It was a slow process. It took an entire year to get in a better place. I saw light, after a long time of being in such a dark place!
I realize that the events that took place were not my fault. My head knew this, but my heart didn’t.
I guess my point in writing this is just to let others know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re depressed, please reach out for help. I know that’s hard as hell, but others may not reach out to you. They may want to help but may not know how or even what to say. They may keep their distance because it’s uncomfortable for them. People just don’t know what to do to help.
If you have the opportunity, see a therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable with one then find another. If you can’t do that, then find someone who will listen, not judge, and try to help you find a solution. Please, please, please do whatever you can to help yourself. YOU are important!
There’s hope in times of darkness. You just may have to look a little harder to find it. Just please look and keep looking until you find it.