Okay. So here we are again. I don’t really know what this post will be about yet but I had the “urge” or need to write for over a week now. At first, I had another topic in mind, which eventually never happened because I either was too tired or afraid to write it down – you never know who will read your blog in the end and how they’ll see you afterwards. I concluded that I can’t force specific topics and issues, so whenever I feel to write or talk about something, I will do it. And if I just want to ramble, I will do it.
And today I will ramble and probably talking a lot of nonsense. This is just because I have so much going on. I can feel my mood swinging very often and just be mentally exhausted. I know for a fact that I am not physically tired, even though I rarely get my 8 hours sleep. Sometimes I’m just tired of having to function, to work, socialize, walk around or even send a simple message via WhatsApp. I don’t know which is worse; being in a room full of people, or being alone with my thoughts. Both are debilitating. I could stay in bed all day and still be tired. Tired and unsatisfied.
It’s been a while since I journaled. How have I been doing? Really well, thanks for asking. It’s been hella busy, but I’m handling things better than I thought I would.
I did have a meltdown in the beginning of the year when I was suddenly hit with all the shit I had to do. I felt myself sinking, and I thought I wouldn’t be able to get out.
But I did. I always do.
On a personal level, I am learning to put myself & my mental health first. I have a grown a lot this past year, and I don’t want to let anybody ruin that for me.
To protect my mental health, I’m trying to keep myself to myself, but I keep having these awful flashbacks, which I can’t seem to stop. I’m trying to focus on getting some work done, putting one foot in front of the other, and the hope of a great future. This will pass, I tell myself; I’ve been through this before, and I will get through it again. I am strong. Breathe.
I’m lying down, lights are out, the house becomes silent – too silent, and my mind begins to do its thing. Every fibre of my being tells me that my bed is too big for a single soul like me.
I’m not saying I need anyone else to make me feel whole… But it’s moments like this
when I crave another being; To settle my crazy thoughts; To reassure me that I’m OK.
It’s moments like this when loneliness takes centre stage and demands attention; When an extra layer of warmth, a hand caressing me, hush whispers and another beating heart in harmony with my own – wouldn’t go amiss.
It’s been a very busy start to the year, and I know it’s all good for me. But right now, coming to the end of the month, I don’t want to hide the fact that I’m tired.
A kind of tiredness which sleep can’t fix. I’m tired of trying to keep going. Tired of always hoping and aiming for something.
Tired of telling myself I can do this. I’m tired of trying to hold my head up high when I leave the house. Tired of putting on a fake smile and confidence wherever I go. Tired of pretending to be interested in other people’s lives. Tired of keeping up the pretence that I’m doing great. Tired of keeping the conversation going. I’m tired of people; I’m tired of work; I’m tired of life.
And at first, I thought this was a sign that I was beginning to go downhill, but then I realise that it’s OK. It’s OK to admit that I’m feeling low right now. It’s OK not to be OK; It’s OK to feel weak, and it’s OK to rest.
I’m tired, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’m just going to take a nap for a while, because it’s OK to rest and take breaks.
Peek Inside My Mind 
YES! It’s all okay. You don’t need to fake it at all. It’s okay to cry, be sad, demotivated and lost. It’s all damn okay🙏