Okay. So here we are again. I don’t really know what this post will be about yet but I had the “urge” or need to write for over a week now. At first, I had another topic in mind, which eventually never happened because I either was too tired or afraid to write it down – you never know who will read your blog in the end and how they’ll see you afterwards. I concluded that I can’t force specific topics and issues, so whenever I feel to write or talk about something, I will do it. And if I just want to ramble, I will do it.
And today I will ramble and probably talking a lot of nonsense. This is just because I have so much going on. I can feel my mood swinging very often and just be mentally exhausted. I know for a fact that I am not physically tired, even though I rarely get my 8 hours sleep. Sometimes I’m just tired of having to function, to work, socialize, walk around or even send a simple message via WhatsApp. I don’t know which is worse; being in a room full of people, or being alone with my thoughts. Both are debilitating. I could stay in bed all day and still be tired. Tired and unsatisfied.
It’s been a while since I journaled. How have I been doing? Really well, thanks for asking. It’s been hella busy, but I’m handling things better than I thought I would.
I did have a meltdown in the beginning of the year when I was suddenly hit with all the shit I had to do. I felt myself sinking, and I thought I wouldn’t be able to get out.
But I did. I always do.
On a personal level, I am learning to put myself & my mental health first. I have a grown a lot this past year, and I don’t want to let anybody ruin that for me.
To protect my mental health, I’m trying to keep myself to myself, but I keep having these awful flashbacks, which I can’t seem to stop. I’m trying to focus on getting some work done, putting one foot in front of the other, and the hope of a great future. This will pass, I tell myself; I’ve been through this before, and I will get through it again. I am strong. Breathe.
I’m lying down, lights are out, the house becomes silent – too silent, and my mind begins to do its thing. Every fibre of my being tells me that my bed is too big for a single soul like me.
I’m not saying I need anyone else to make me feel whole… But it’s moments like this
when I crave another being; To settle my crazy thoughts; To reassure me that I’m OK.
It’s moments like this when loneliness takes centre stage and demands attention; When an extra layer of warmth, a hand caressing me, hush whispers and another beating heart in harmony with my own – wouldn’t go amiss.
It’s been a very busy start to the year, and I know it’s all good for me. But right now, coming to the end of the month, I don’t want to hide the fact that I’m tired.
A kind of tiredness which sleep can’t fix. I’m tired of trying to keep going. Tired of always hoping and aiming for something.
Tired of telling myself I can do this. I’m tired of trying to hold my head up high when I leave the house. Tired of putting on a fake smile and confidence wherever I go. Tired of pretending to be interested in other people’s lives. Tired of keeping up the pretence that I’m doing great. Tired of keeping the conversation going. I’m tired of people; I’m tired of work; I’m tired of life.
And at first, I thought this was a sign that I was beginning to go downhill, but then I realise that it’s OK. It’s OK to admit that I’m feeling low right now. It’s OK not to be OK; It’s OK to feel weak, and it’s OK to rest.
I’m tired, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’m just going to take a nap for a while, because it’s OK to rest and take breaks.